This is not the first time I'm facing an identity crisis. I've questioned myself about what defines me as a person, what is it that sets me apart from the rest, what do people like about me, what is it in me that annoys the crap out of them. This undying need to make myself likable, and be the best puts me in a wreck. I tend to lose myself this in reflective process, which is so ironical because I'm trying to actually discover instead. Criticism comes easily to people, but compliments? Not so much. When you can't depend on people to remind you of your strengths, you have to look within and come up with something.

I've always grown up knowing what I do not want in life. This definitely made elimination easier, but it modeled me as a person who never had strong opinions about things. Yes, I was able to adapt myself to what I was thrown into, but I lost wanting to dig deeper into my true desires. When I realized this, it was time for me to leave my comfort zone and expand my boundaries.

I came to the US chasing my dreams, pursuing my interests and in the process, I began to create a new life for myself from scratch. A life in a completely new place, with a new set of people I'd never met before towards establishing a whole new lifestyle. It might not be a great accomplishment, for every international student goes through this and worse even- but it is special for each individual and we need this validation.

As the year comes to an end, a very important phase in my life finds closure with it. And this closure will be key to how everything else dawns. Until then, toodles.

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I took a different train to campus today. A train that I hadn't taken ever since my first day at grad school. As I climbed down the steps away from the train station, my head started to buzz with the memories of my first ever day on campus.

I was the international student hesitant about my surroundings and wary of my belongings. A girl who chased her dreams to the United States and was excited about the opportunities. I was the girl with the frizzy hair in the Nike sandals and Batik print Fab India scarf consulting her campus map every five minutes. I was the one who dropped jaws seeing the hundreds of iMacs in the lab without knowing where to sit.

I check myself out at the security booth and I saw a confident young woman smartly dressed in a pencil skirt, silk blouse and Nine West pumps. I smile back at her and make my way through the flood of people to sit at my favorite iMac by the window.

The transformation might be complete on the outside. But, somewhere deep down, I am still that girl who came to the US to chase her dreams. I must always remember her.

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I am a strong and motivated young woman. I am confident, enthusiastic and I believe in my abilities. I'm thankful for every experience that life has brought in my path. I shall recite this in my head everyday.

I must not lose confidence or the belief in myself. What seems like a daunting task now will be something that I will laugh over with friends a few years down the line. Life is really not worth all the worries, but the opportunities are worth fretting over. It is not fair to get bogged down or give up after a few failures. Failures come along to make you count your blessings. I will not give up. I shall keep trying and picking myself up.

I am a strong-minded, motivated young woman. I must always remember.

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There are times in our lives when we wish we could be alone in a swarm of people. And then there are times when you wish there would be somebody to talk to. Any person, who could just sit next to you, physically or even virtually through a chat box. Today is one of those days when I have none. It is times like these when I wish I had a dog or even a cat. You know, just to have some kind of living being around me. Virtual lives are a great escape from your real life when you need it, but some times even they don't quite cut it. Books are a great escape. But when you have to nothing to return to, they don't exactly qualify as an exciting retreat. I'm probably making myself miserable thinking about the possibilities and feeling sorry for myself.

Of course, tomorrow is a whole new day. I might have a hangover of these feelings, or I might laugh at my own absurdity. This is exactly when I need Amma to tell me how ridiculous I'm being and throw me headfirst into reality.

But, tomorrow will be different day. I just know it.

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You know there are times when you have a trillion things to do and you just want to shrug it off just yet?

There are chores to be done. From ones as important as home work to something as mundane as tackling an overflowing laundry basket. But today is one of those days when the obsessive to-do-list-tackler in me wants to take a break. (Despite having just returned from an extended vacation)

Today is one of those days when I just want to sit by the window while sipping on tea and reading a book that does not require much processing in the head. And I'm going to do just that.

The world can be tackled on a Monday morning with a big cup of coffee and a mean spirit.

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It's a strange morning. The fact that it's Monday might have something to do with it, but not entirely.
Feelings that were buried deep along with thoughts that I thought I'd forget are surfacing. Emotions and memories that were easy to put aside are not easy when recollected. The mind is a strange little creation. A lot of times we tend to underestimate its ability to remember things. Sometimes things so trivial, details so unimportant, that it challenges its existence in itself.

As I nod off on my way to work, I remember people whose faces I've seen somewhere but can't fathom why I want to see them again, talk to them, be around them again. They say that sometimes it makes a lot of sense to talk to complete strangers. They give you an unbiased perspective. I concur. I've had the most interesting of conversations with total strangers that have left me thinking for days together. Memories that are made from momentary acquaintances sometimes linger longer than you expect.

The moments have passed, the memories faded, life moved on, more memories created. We forget, live, relish and sometimes relive. Today, I'm longing for things I gave up to pronounce a change made voluntarily . It's a strange morning, I'm telling you. It must be the air.

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The 30 day challenge is going okay so far. I could definitely do better, but it's some kind of a beginning at least. I'm very glad that the reading habit has finally kicked in. I haven't begun experimenting with titles for the fear of losing interest and therefore giving up the reacquired habit altogether. So I'm currently re-reading some of my favorite classics. The reading time is definitely much lesser and more interrupted than what it used to be back home. I remember finishing HP-7 in a couple of hours on the day it came out. And now, time is constantly interrupted by things that demand attention so fiercely that it has become almost impossible to get some quiet alone time. Good lord, I sound like a mother of a newborn!

The one tsp sugar in coffee is turning out to be my biggest challenge so far. I've now resorted to equal portions of milk and coffee in my mug and this seems easier to handle with a tsp of sugar. But the going gets tough on days when I wind up having close to three cups of coffee/tea. Recycling and listening to at least one carnatic song a day is coming along fantastic. I guess the carnatic song phase will wean out soon because I ended up listening to variations of the same song for an entire week and now I might snap if I hear it again. Too much of anything is never good.

Other than that, life's been pretty much monotonous. Things go in to top gear soon, and I'm not too thrilled about it yet. The year's crossed its half way mark and looking back in retrospect, the going's been good so far. There's a lot more of things to cross off the to-do list by the end of year. Hoping for the best until then. 

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It has been quite a while since I challenged myself to do something without it being a requirement or necessity. Worse actually because it has been quite a while since I challenged myself to do something I absolutely loved and not feel guilty about it later. So when I heard from  N about the 30 day challenge idea, and read more about it here and here, I was psyched to take something up myself. Of course, being a compulsive to-do list maker, the idea instantly warmed up to me. So here we go -

1. Read everyday: By reading, I most certainly don't mean the newspaper or a reference article for my research. I bought a Kindle to rekindle my love for reading and I've read only three books on it so far. Let's say the whole make-your-own-food-do-laundry-be-a-responsible-person took my life by storm.

2. One tsp of sugar in coffee: Before you snort at this, let me quickly brief you about my love for caffeine. I absolutely must get caffeine into my system before I interact with fellow homo-sapiens. There used to be a time when I completely avoided sugar and took none in my coffee. But somewhere something went wrong and I found myself adding extra sugar in my coffee. I'm thinking this is a good excuse to avoid that extra sugar and calories in my sedentary lifestyle.

3. Recycle: This is something that I already force upon my roommates and I have very strong opinions about. I will not drop my Gatorade bottle in the general trash at the gym and instead carry it back home and throw it in my recycle pile. Definitely doable.

4. Listen to at least one Carnatic song a day: Unlike my parents' one terrabyte carnatic music collection, I have none. There hasn't been a single day in my 12 years of classical music learning phase when my mother did not plead me to practice. Clearly, my voice has lost its ability to do any more riyaz, therefore, to do justice to my 12 years of classical music training, I hope to listen to at least one carnatic song every day. Now's the time to scourge YouTube for videos of December music season concerts. (Recommendations are most welcome)

This whole thing is probably going to be easier said than done. But hey, it could be a start to something much bigger and I'm vouching to remain positive through this entire thing. I'm also going to cover my walls with notes reminding me of my immediate goals. 

Go on, take something up and let me know what your challenges are for the next 30 days.

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Recently, people are asking me what exactly I blog about. This question is easier asked than answered. As I inch towards my 6th blog anniversary, I felt it is important to revisit the purposes of this blog and perhaps even redefine it. I began blogging as an extremely immature and irresponsible teenager. Those of you who have hung around long enough would vouch for the fact that the posts have certainly not gotten any mature or shown any signs of responsible behavior.

So, what started as an experimental tool to vent bottled up thoughts ended up becoming a platform of expressing the deepest emotion and at times even creative outbursts. From cribbing endlessly about my college and its inhabitants to meeting fellow bloggers who are now friends for life. From worrying about pursuing dreams to witnessing them become a reality. I think somewhere amidst all that I am glad that I had this blog to chronicle such phases in life. Reading older posts mostly leaves me snorting at my own misery and cringing at all other times.

It does upset me that I don't have much to say these days. People are noticing that I've mellowed down from the perky teenager that I used to be and transitioned in to a quieter person. (Someone must be glad that happened!) The posts have become sporadic, but I must admit that life's lessons are easier preached than learned. I've somehow adopted this I-don't-care-to-have-an-opinion attitude and I'm hoping this is also a phase that shall pass with time. I'm glad that a few things have happened in life, despite several sacrifices that have been made to cement it. There are bigger mountains ahead to climb and I hope that someday I will write about it and force my grandchildren to comment on those posts.

If I didn't make my point clear, dearest blog, I love you. Thanks for standing by me!

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What is your problem in life? I understand you have been living abroad for two years. But before that you lived in India only no for 22 years? If you cross seven seas and two oceans means you will forget where you came from ah ? This and all is unacceptable I am telling you.

What is this everyday you are tweeting about all these foods with complicated names? You were eating cone ice and Bhel Puri in Gangotri all this time and suddenly you like only Apfelstrudel, Tiramisu and Biscotti  ah ? You knew only Good Day and Milk Bikkis and now you want only Biscotti. Idiots.

And then you put status message saying "Parmesan is so much better than Cheddar in Fettuccine". Have you even tasted anything other than Amul cheese? Just because you want to show off you must not do this. For all that sour sour cheese you are eating, you are going to become one jumbo case. Then you will talk about importance of health. You are all one health sciences student. Chi, shame shame.

It is ok if you left it at eating, but no, you want to bake. You will go buy all cheap items from the baking section at Walmart. Cookie sheet, baking pan, all-purpose flour. Do you even know the difference between Aata and Maida ? "Love the smell of Vanilla extract" it seems. Given a choice, would you have ever eaten Vanilla ice cream in India? All this you will do and the expenses you will put in the shared monthly account with your roommates.

No, wait. I am asking, have you at least boiled water by yourself in India. That is too much - did you even know where the kitchen was in your house? After making a big mess, you will catch one friend who has a DSLR camera and make him take fancy photos, put one watermark also on the picture. This you will put in an album named "Apartment Number Culinary Experiments". So cryptic you think? Stalker will come and catch you. Stupid.

I would stop here, but no, 4 days later you will say "Thayir saadham is the best comfort food ever" , "Grand Sweets, I miss you!" This is what will happen if you keep eating all that Parmesan, Ricotta, Sapotta nonsense. Diarrhea came, no?

Kanna, what I am telling is, you need to have limits. Gone America means no dancing over head. Feet keep on ground, ok? Thalaivar has told! Okbye!

Note: Because despite being peters, all of us are a little local at heart.

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I've been considering getting a tattoo for about 6 months now. Yes, this is about when you will hear my mother yelling things like "Is this why we sent you to America?" "What if you marry into a family that doesn't approve of it" "What will xxx maami and yyy maama say"  and more such things. But in her heart she knows that I wouldn't care for any of it if I set my heart on it. Yet, convincing my mom is of prime importance. *makes milk dripping face*

One Sunday morning, in one of my video chat sessions with my parents, I tried the best argument I could think of at that  moment - my maid! She has her husband's name on her left forearm. I know, Pativrata and all it seems. But hey, it's the first thing that came to my mind since I couldn't cite the example of the friend who got a tattoo. Just for your knowledge, she ended up marrying a tullukapaiyyan and we all know how that conversation would end.

But, if you ask me why I want to get a tattoo done, I might not have a very convincing answer. I find the idea very intriguing and adventurous and hence my inclination towards it. I have often done a lot of things impulsively and regret some later. So, the question of what to ink takes prime importance and hence justifies me taking the time to sleep over the idea. I definitely don't want one of those curly flowers or creepy butterflies. That's so clichéd. There are too many people getting mysterious sounding sanskrit words, dancing ganeshas and oms. Even that much display of religiousness is not going to convince my family. Yup, we're tough nuts to crack. Here's Tambrahmrage about the epic sama veda tattoo! :P 

Anyhow, the whole idea itself isn't something that our traditionalists are open to, but with more TamBrahm households eating pasta and lasagna over poondu rasam and vendekkai curry, tattoo acceptance is not too far away. But sadly, my family does not constitute the wildest bunch of berries and since I've earned that tag for myself - I might as well be a trailblazer in this aspect. I went way ahead of myself and even envisioned myself in a maroon madisaar with a custom made blouse that shows off the tattoo on my back.Of course, the boy would wear his panchakacham and sport a clichéd sun on his well trained arms. Sigh!

*Off to think of excuses to convince the mother.

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Yes, it's that time of the semester when you must say sympathetic things like "This too shall pass" and motivate me to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Oh and what a dark and long tunnel this has been. No, this doesn't mean I've spotted the light yet. Unless one of you decides to hold a torch or something and guide me out. I'm still groping around in the dark. Spring is absolutely gorgeous. The birds, pink flowers, frequent thunderstorms, the first hint of green. I love it so much that I can't stop tearing up every time I step out. #allergies What would I do without my big bumblebee shades and a big roll of Kleenex that I carry everywhere!

Anyhow, this has clearly been my most challenging and demanding semester ever. Every time I breathe a sigh of relief, something else comes up to take its place. Every weekend is spent bringing things up to speed and I'd rather not talk much about my weekdays. I'm a proactive person and all these constantly changing schedules and deadlines are pushing me to my wits end. My planner has seen so many changes that it actually gave up on me. It is true, grad life really teaches you to handle pressure like nothing else in life. Only maybe next to parenthood - but it's too early to comment on that.

Excessive amounts of caffeine have been consumed over the last few weeks. My blood should be brown by now, I think. I also need to lose this habit of eating ice cream with cookies post 2AM. Oh and caramel pop corn - MUST STOP BUYING THEM AGAIN! Did you know "Naked" makes all these yummy gooey protein shakes with the weirdest of ingredients. They're so expensive, but they are fattening me up with some good stuff. Who said you eat less during summer? I seem to be hungry all the time. Oh wait, summer isn't here until end of June. Weird country, I tell you. 

Wait a minute, I didn't intend to talk about food ! Well, too late! I've clearly lost it or someone has spiked my morning coffee.

Yeah, you may pour sympathies now. OkThanksBye!

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April 2, 2011. A day that I personally will not forget and I join several other Indians in saying this. This is going to be a day I can remember and talk about with passion because I witnessed the making of this history. I really don't remember much about the previous world cups except for the fact that they always happened in between exams and I was never allowed to watch for longer than an hour. But this time, I was 9000 miles away from home sitting amongst half a dozen other Indian cricket fanatics, wearing the nation's tricolor and yelling our throats out and secretly hoping that the apartment management doesn't fine us for making so much noise.

I have never watched a game at the stadium. I have never watched a match with more than 3 people. I do not know the intricacies of the game. I cannot identify a Leg By or explain what a Dot ball is. I definitely cannot quote statistics. But, you cannot question my spirit for the game based on that. I can tell you that my spirit is no way lesser than the spirit with which every other Indian watching the game. I would keep my comments to myself, but I will swear when our wicket falls and cheer my voice hoarse for a four or a six. Heck, cricket is synonymous with patriotism.

I am not superstitious. But, I kept my legs crossed in a certain way because when I tried stretching them, Sachin got out. I did not pee until the drinks break. I shut my eyes and let my heart skip a beat whenever Gambhir swung his bat. I am ashamed to admit that I did not expect him to play that innings and every time he faced Malinga, I kept thinking that would be his final over. I expected too much out of Sachin & Sehwag and didn't have the courage to place my trust in Kohli or Gambhir. Respect to both you boys!

I don't want to get started on MS Dhoni. I will not stop. When he smashed that ball to a final six, I cried. I am not a very sentimental person and don't like to express my emotions much, but MS Dhoni, you made me cry that day and I am sure I will tell my children of your greatness.

But for now, I am going to join the revelry and wear this perpetual grin on my face. 

WORLD CUP CHAMPIONS 2011. Hell to the yeah.

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"Everybody loses weight when they come to America" is the biggest lie I have ever heard. Though, I would give it some partial credit. The whole lifestyle change with much more walking and self-cooking shocks your body initially to drop some baby flesh, but then once you get used to the American lifestyle, oh-baby, you are so dead!

When I came to the United States, I was a pathetic cook. Every graduate student in the US says this at some point in their lives. I certainly wasn't the worst of all, but I did suck terribly at it. I couldn't even make dal without burning it in spite of mom supervising me over Skype. I cooked to survive. But now, I cook to flaunt. A few months ago, I was introduced to the whole concept of baking and ever since my weight loss is going downhill. I now find myself following more food blogs then fitness blogs. Much to a lot of people's annoyance, I watch the Food Network more than I watch Glee or How I Met Your Mother. I have spent way too much money on baking equipment. My cupboard in the kitchen is loaded with all these fancy sounding ingredients that when added in different proportions make these amazing, calorie-rich dishes that have even more exotic names. Every time I turn on the oven or light the stove, I secretly say a prayer to hope that I don't set the house on fire like I did when I baked for the first time.

Other than weekly culinary attempts, academia takes the rest of my time. And if you are a graduate student, you know that this is the time of the semester when all the deadlines come breathing fire down your neck. Projects, Posters, Paper presentations, Classes, Assignments, more projects and lots of caffeine to survive through all of this. I'm not sure if all this knowledge has made me wiser or not, but I can vouch for the fact that I have more caffeine in my system than blood. I am much more forgetful than ever before. I set reminders for myself and then have stickies all around the house to remind me about the reminders. I eat for comfort and then run facing the guilt. This is clearly not working for me.

But on the bright side, I have better things to look forward to in a few weeks. Until then, eat a cookie! :)

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when we settled in our dusty desks, wearing freshly starched uniforms and chalky canvas shoes. The first day of school when we were protective and proud of our fancy stationary and newly covered books. Befriending the watchman to let us in after the first bell. Cycle stand parking issues. Dreading the morning prayer and mumbling through most of it. Swelling with pride and shaking with fear while reading the 'thought for the day' in front of the entire school.

Queuing up at the canteen for an oily samosa and dashing past teachers to get to class when the familiar bell went off. Waiting the entire week for the solitary Games period and getting disappointed when the Math teacher borrows it to complete the syllabus. Group politics. Lotus, Red Rose, Blue Bells & Sunflower. Pestering the games sir every year to switch your group to the same one as your best friend's. Request being denied because that would just cause too much raucous.

Feeling important rehearsing for our menial roles in the school anniversary and sports day. Secretly rejoicing because that only meant not sitting through Organic Chemistry and Calculus. Coming up with creative ideas for charts and campaign slogans for the school elections. Patronizing the cultural secretary to select you for external culturals. Facing the day when you are actually on the other side of the game. English labs, Moral Science classes and the sleep inducing Transcendental Meditation, post lunch.

Slogging through extra classes on Saturdays in uniforms minus the canvas shoes and sometimes replacing the salwar with jeans to look cool. Enrolling in tuitions because your friends went too. Doing tuition homeworks under the desk during English class. Distributing chocolates and wearing "color dress" on your birthday. The joy when you get away wearing nail polish or a colorful hair accessory. Bossing around when you were made the class monitor. Guarding the cupboard key with your life. Changing the date and proverb on the blackboard every day.

Chalk fights, stationary stealers, gang wars and section politics. Fights sans conspiracies. Competitions minus the jealousy. Of bountiful embarrassing moments and countless memories. Some friends changed, some stuck on. The golden days may be gone but the memories will live on forever.

Shri Gurubhyo Namaha!

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Overheard a Mallu girl and a Marathi boy discussing films. Before you start discoursing on how eavesdropping is rude, let me tell you that they were 90 decibels too loud to be ignored. And I don't really force myself to be excluded from a conversation that floats by. That too when the people conversing are from the same country as me. This is patriotism of a totally different kind.
Meet Mallu Girl who desperately needs to realize the existence of moisturizers and lip balms. She wears a leopard print scarf over a frumpy winter coat and carries a fake red Prada bag that has likely been picked up from a thrift market.
The Marathi boy is dressed in a smart Calvin Klien coat and what look like genuine Italian leather shoes. He tries to look all important by unlocking and locking his iPhone every few minutes. You would think he's all posh until you hear his Marathi infused English.
Anyhow, here's a part of the conversation that my attention was limited to.

Mallu Girl: Have you heard of that 127 hours movie?
Marathi Boy: Wow! How many parts is it coming out in?
Mallu Girl: *giggle* No man, the movie is called 127 hours. It is a horror movie.
Marathi Boy: Wow! I love ghost stories.
Mallu Girl: But this is a different kind of horror movie. Not the ghost types. More like a suspense thriller. I heard it's based on a real life story. My friend said it was very disturbing.
Marathi Boy: Oh! You know what, I actually wanted to watch Dhobi Ghat. I used to live in Andheri. Have you heard of that place? I saw a lot of familiar places in the teasers..I used to hang out in all those places... blah.... Juhu... blah...but Thane...blah blah...

And he continued to ramble descriptively and proudly about the chaos in Mumbai shortly after he stereotyped the people by their geographic areas. I don't judge people too quickly, but I couldn't resist forming an opinion on this one. As I got off, I played 'Acid Darbari' on my iPod. Coincidences can be saved for later.

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It was a feeling that was new to him. He was confused by the multiple emotions striking him at once. He saw her first when she crossed the road and winked at him. He was taken aback by her initial audacity! He tried to convince himself that the attraction was not physical, but who was he kidding ! She was a stunner. Even the women couldn't contain themselves from taking another look at her. She was every man's dream. No, he couldn't let that thought put restraints on him. She would be his pride.

Excitement rushed through his veins when he saw her again. He knew he had to make a deal soon. It was the dawn of a Saturday morning. He was feeling rather unlike himself. He got into his car feeling rather stupid and impulsive for what he was about to do. He didn't even look the part that he had rehearsed several times over in his head. He had phrased his words ever so carefully. There could be no room for any further thought. Well of course, his wrinkled white t shirt and grey sweats could be working a precarious truce in his favor. Or, maybe not. When he reached her abode, his head was still inundated with her thoughts and beauty to care for anything else. He saw her again, but this time she was blissfully unaware.

One signature and he knew it would be a commitment for a lifetime. She would be dependent on him. But he swore to bring the skies & earth together for her happiness. He signed. The reality hit him when the sales associate placed the key on his palm.

He drove back home with a smile plastered on his face in his brand new BMW.

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Two feet snow. Sheepskin boots. Scrapes and bruises. Discovering OCD. Drummers with Attitude. Encountering strange creatures. Mice running on arms. Atlantic City. The ARR Jai Ho Concert. Raavanan. Saravana Bhavan. Six Flags and its gravity defying roller coasters. Screaming until I fell sick or threw up. iPhone 4. River-side jogging. Multi-colored popsicles. Ducks & rabbits. Fresh margaritas and lots of it. Struggling to stay on the designated lane in bowling. Fire accidents. NYC. Standing in a three block long line for a free Apple Tshirt. Combating bed bugs. Meeting S & P1 halfway across the world for 2 days. Maoz. Fondues & hot chocolates. Frozen Yogurt. Birthdays at PF Changs. A cathartic trip to remember. Y moving to the same city as me. NYC with S, Y & P2.Wall St. Liberty. WTC. Walking down NYC yet again. New roommates. Crazy girls night outs. Maggi at 3am. Golu. License to drive. Diwali. Potluck. Charades. Mad bachelorette parties. Fancy suede boots. Thanksgiving parades. Holiday parties. A Spanish wish. Beautiful jewelry. Pitzelles. Pink puppies. Baking lessons and experiments. Creepy gingerbread men. Meeting P1 again, this time with D. A disillusioned walk in the stinging cold while P1 mumbles the whole way about chocolates. Last minute uncertainties. A flight back home. Filter coffee and crispy dosas. Kaju katlis and girl bonding.

Looking back, 2010 has been nice to me and I actually found it hard to let go of it. But, there always must be an end for a new beginning. I began 2010 away from my parents and ended it with them. I’m beginning 2011 with hopes of a year that will bring much desired changes in my life.

Happy New Year, everyone! May you all be blessed with six packs this year! :D

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