There are times in our lives when we wish we could be alone in a swarm of people. And then there are times when you wish there would be somebody to talk to. Any person, who could just sit next to you, physically or even virtually through a chat box. Today is one of those days when I have none. It is times like these when I wish I had a dog or even a cat. You know, just to have some kind of living being around me. Virtual lives are a great escape from your real life when you need it, but some times even they don't quite cut it. Books are a great escape. But when you have to nothing to return to, they don't exactly qualify as an exciting retreat. I'm probably making myself miserable thinking about the possibilities and feeling sorry for myself.

Of course, tomorrow is a whole new day. I might have a hangover of these feelings, or I might laugh at my own absurdity. This is exactly when I need Amma to tell me how ridiculous I'm being and throw me headfirst into reality.

But, tomorrow will be different day. I just know it.

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I have reasons to smile, yet I feel unhappy about the imperfections. I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist or a workaholic, but there are a few things that I just cannot tolerate. And it bothers me so much that I impulsively make a few immediate and unwanted alterations only to regret it sooner than later. I constantly try to remind myself that it is never simple to choose between the right thing and the easy thing.
Despite being slightly neurotic about a few things, I fervently start making changes and lose motivation when I don't see results. I should remember not to lose hope and be persistent, yet I hate it when the thought of giving up enters my mind and disturbs everything.
I really did not want this to be my post after so long. I have so many reasons to celebrate and be proud of, but it baffles me as to why I chose this. I can never write something until I truly feel it. I can't write what people want to read, my dwindling readership is the last thing I would want to worry about. I've always tried to get rid of the negativity within by blogging and this baby of mine has borne the brunt for almost 5 years now. Change has to come from within and its about time I push things to the next level.

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I've been feeling extremely restless and confused for the past couple of days. I don't know what's gotten into me but I seem to be unable to make any decisions for myself. For the uninitiated, I am an extremely organized person and absolutely cannot work until I have my plan sorted out. Sometimes that does include where I would be 5 days from now and what I would be doing. No matter how impulsive I may be, my other side is a fully-functional time-table. Sometimes I anticipate things so much in advance that any small change in schedule puts me off track. And of course there are the deadlines. I've been wanting to finish this one report for almost a week and a half now and I'm nowhere close to even beginning it. Procrastination is my middle name! :P
And then there's my obsession for change. I get bored really easily and need changes at short intervals. Sometimes I wish for something, and when I'm close to getting it, I start dreading it.
I really should loosen up a little but then I get so conscious about the amount of time I waste and all the work that has piled up. I'm throwing quite a fit now. I feel completely out of order and need to pull my life back on track. I'm supposed to be on holiday this week, but it feels nothing like it. I'm getting claustrophobic with the place I'm in. Deadlines and projects are bothering me. I want to be in a place where I can't be long, because reality throws me out. I want a life full of passion and no pressures. And knowing that my chosen path is nothing like it, I find it hard to accept, sometimes even tempted to switch. I dread the unpredictability as much as I love the change.
Dear lord, get me out of this ! Grant me some sanity !

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an uninteresting conversationalist.
disinterested to yap endlessly.
sick of snowy, slippery days.
tired of dressing up in multiple layers.
addicted to TLC.
less of an optimist.
a staunch believer of reverse psychology.
picky with my food.
thrifty about my budgets.
interested again to play scrabble.
restless to complete this semester.
impatient about the future.
a lousy reader.
and an even more boring writer.

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After 5 months, today, the change has finally struck me in the face. The independence has made its presence felt. The responsibility is trying to dominate over the carelessness. The inner child has gone into hibernation, waiting to be woken up at opportune moments and a strange woman who I'm not very familiar with is steering my life. Maturity, as some would call it is a very strange thing.

I've become a victim of mundane chores and common drudgery. So many things have changed. From, sleeping on time so that I am attentive at work the next morning. Packing lunch for the next day and remembering to take it in the rush in the morning. Fighting the urge not to snack on junk in vain. Waiting desperately for Fridays and all the fun things you could do during the weekend. Putting on that pathetic TGIF status message. Sleeping, cooking for the remaining week, catching up with family and friends over phone, mumbling how the weekend flew by and you couldn't remotely do anything because, the thought of a dreadful Monday morning is all that your head held.

I'm definitely sane enough to realize that work is just work and not such a big deal; but then why does it seem like such a big deal and hinder all other activities? I only moan endlessly about how I have no time to go out and if I do, blame it on the below-freezing temperatures to spoil my temperament. I worry when I think that I've lost the ability to write. I no longer have the patience to read a book at a stretch. My fuse is shorter and the most trivial of things seem to set me off.

It is true, I do miss the spontaneity of doing things at random, the enthusiasm and the undying hope that once existed. I'm left to chase more practical dreams and forced to hold back all the frivolous ones for practicality must be executed when you are living by yourself and managing your money. I do dare to dream, but do not carry them out for the fear of being ridiculed. I do not put up an exterior with an infectious spirit because I do not want to be branded childlike.
What has life gotten me into ? Is this what I wanted ? Its upsetting how, what I came chasing as my dream has changed my entire perception of living. It still is hard to conclude whether this is for the better or not; it is just too short-lived to decide at the moment.

But it is true that I do miss life that was with all of its randomness and spontaneity. Maybe this is what they call maturity ?
I welcome myself to the big, bad, real world ! It does suck, but I think I will survive.

**Phew.. feels so good to write a long post after ages!

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I have never been good at outdoor sports. My foray into sports started and ended with swimming (which I am thankfully good at!) and badminton! I still recall the days when I used to watch(I'm just too ashamed to call it fielding) all my cousins play cricket or volleyball in the lanes near our house. I was always asked to "stand the farthest and run after the ball if it ever came in my direction. But most of the times, it wouldn't. And whenever I was asked to throw a ball, it would never take a parabolic path and always end up in all the possible wrong directions like a wimp! Oh forget that, to catch a ball, it just takes too much of an effort for me to see the ball when thrown and coordinate the locomotion accordingly. In the name of catching, I would end up clapping my hands together and closing my eyes hoping the thing would miraculously land in my hands somehow. Some of the times, I would even end up sprawling on all fours with my vain attempts. That was when my family(who apparently are good at some sport or the other) decided that I was never going to even be mediocre on the track or manage to catch something that was thrown to me. Trust me, they would party if I ever caught something. I think its mainly because I have an innate talent of being clumsy. I can't walk from one place to another without bumping my foot against something, or upsetting stuff that was placed on the way. My mother would still yell "Careful" when I stood anywhere remotely close to her favorite vase! And whenever my aunts asked me to carry stuff, my mum used to watch me like a hawk, waiting to clean up after I'd tumbled or spilled. Regrets apart, I've had my share of running around and covering myself with mud and scraping my knees and palms during games and a sound share of blasphemy from mom and a good dosage of tetanus for the same.
Anyways, I'm a definitely a little less clumsy now and put all my efforts into behaving ladylike.
Hey, where's the appreciation? :P

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Its funny how time flies when you don't want it to, and how it drags itself to heights of boredom when you wish it to flee! Err... I'm not sure which of the 2 phases I am going through right now!!

There are a million and a half things on my mind - Each spinning and whizzing past one another like snitches in the Harry Potter books. I hate it when this enforced schedule takes over and makes me lose command over life. But, this is exactly how I wanted my life to be, a month back. Its strange how you wish for certain things and when they come true, you don't want them anymore. I can't bear monotony. Change, however consistent it may be, has always been something that I wished for in regular dosages in my life.

But now, things have been insanely crazy and out-of-control at my end. Socialising has reached its limits and I would love some solitude and peace restored in my life.

I'm being tempted to stay disconnected from all sorts of communication! But of course, not for long! :D

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It all seems cryptic at the first glance. You step back and look at the whole thing taking in more than what you must. It gets a little overwhelming, but you get used to it after a while. You try to change, but it is the inevitable. You can't. The power is killing you. You are helpless. You submit. You sympathize with the self. Pity, compassion, sympathy seem mere words that noone can relate to. The world now seems a much cruel place and its inhabitants all monsters. The ones who meant most are to be feared. You have no choices. You must not complain. Blame, insignificance and immaturity are synonymous to you. The once cute to be clumsy reaches its apex of irritation. What was once new is the mundane now. But you must not regress, this is what you are to be. This is what you wanted. Your wishes are now true. The regret is simply the twinge of the conscience. You learn to ignore it. Suddenly, you see that's what you are to do. You find your way out. The reverie ends right here and you wish all that you felt never comes true. Your deepest inhibitions to never surface and remain sunk in the deep ocean of emotion !

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2006 doesn't really seem to get off my back. I'm still writing '06 in the date column everywhere and am consulting the 2006 calendar still. Seems like the *** Gold Palace forgot to send us a new one this year. Getting back to college after a month has created some ripples in the system, the first being waking up before sunrise ! Its pretty hard to accept the change when you've been nocturnal since your birth.
Blogging took a backseat too this year. Since the beginning of the new year, I've posted just once that too a tag which I took up out of compulsion or call it desperation to post something ! I'm talking as if its September 2007 already !
Confusions.Commotions.Contradictions.Emotions.Evaluations.Explanations.Assumptions.Realizations and so much more shuns out all the abilities and possibilities to think clearly. It definitely is a tough call to make when the heart and the mind start working independently on different lines and refuse to work in coordination.
Distress always follows happiness, but there is always a silver lining in the clouds. Reality sure does bite. Somethings are so hard to accept. Time they say brings about change for the better. Hopes hopes and more hopes are only what I am holding on to, however false and mundane they may seem.

P.s : If this post seems like utter crap to you, please put up with it like the darlings that you have been as always. The damsel is in distress.

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I know I'm sitting jobless and still have a trillion and a half things running on my mind. My current state of mind is so haphazard that I can't even bring it out in the form of words. No no, these aren't my mood swings. Call it multi-tasking, a writer's block or simply the lack of ability to streamline one's thoughts and think coherently to put up a proper post. In simple words, call it just an excuse.
The rate at which am watching movies has reached its zenith and the rate of socializing and networking has perfectly balanced my state of ennui. With the newly acquired musical collection, I couldn't be more busy!
Have you ever felt that you could be surrounded by a huge group of chattering people, yet felt lonesome ? And be with one person and find hours evaporating into seconds ? (Chi chi, not lowe, perverts!)
And why is it that when you need people around, all of them are either busy or not reachable or are onto things that obviously make u feel measly.
I don't wish to live in this moment !
Hope is a misnomer !

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Before anyone can ask, yes I feel a lot better and saner!
A wonderful fortnight of holidays comes to an end on wednesday and I can proudly say that I've no clue where my books are. All the pending work gets reminded only the night before and I stare blankly when people ask me - "What did you do during the holidays then?"

Anyways moving on, it really irritates me when people ask me about the comments on my blog. Yes. Initially one blogs for comments, all the "I blog for my satisfaction" is an absolute piece of farce. Who doesn't want that? But infact after being here for almost 2 years (technically) I've grown immune to the number of comments , not that I don't want them, I do value your opinion; but the number really doesn't matter to me now.
I've also been noticing that the length of my posts have been gradually increasing. If you've been around for long you'd know that I don't really pen down long posts. But now that I am, I'm liking it !
I've also been trying to tweak around with a different template, but its not turning out the way I want it. So that has to wait.
Thanks to Navratri and the celebrations, I met a few long lost kith and kins and spent some quality time with them.
Now I really wish that this semester comes to an end really soon.
*A proper post would follow soon*

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