It's a strange morning. The fact that it's Monday might have something to do with it, but not entirely.
Feelings that were buried deep along with thoughts that I thought I'd forget are surfacing. Emotions and memories that were easy to put aside are not easy when recollected. The mind is a strange little creation. A lot of times we tend to underestimate its ability to remember things. Sometimes things so trivial, details so unimportant, that it challenges its existence in itself.

As I nod off on my way to work, I remember people whose faces I've seen somewhere but can't fathom why I want to see them again, talk to them, be around them again. They say that sometimes it makes a lot of sense to talk to complete strangers. They give you an unbiased perspective. I concur. I've had the most interesting of conversations with total strangers that have left me thinking for days together. Memories that are made from momentary acquaintances sometimes linger longer than you expect.

The moments have passed, the memories faded, life moved on, more memories created. We forget, live, relish and sometimes relive. Today, I'm longing for things I gave up to pronounce a change made voluntarily . It's a strange morning, I'm telling you. It must be the air.

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Ok, so I decided not to give an opportunity to my 5 readers which includes me, my roommate (who I force to read anyways), my mother who thinks she can get to know her daughter's love interests through her blog (ha!), and 2 other people who drop by to find nothing interesting and still leave a comment (oww, thank you guys!) to complain about my long gap between posts. Whew, by the end of that line I'd almost forgotten what I was saying. Talk about me and digressing.

So as the swimming pool outside begins to crowd with women in fancy bikinis with too many knots tied in strategic places and men in modest trunks, I start my sunday morning with Facebook, Twitter and Gmail and a few occasional glances towards the pool. Infact I start my every morning with Facebook, Twitter and Gmail, the added pool glances are merely a weekend affair.

OK, so getting back to the point - Facebook contributes to 75% of my time pass. Thanks to my loyal iPhone (less jealousy please!), I update myself every hour on my friends' relationship statuses, gawk at some display images, wonder how A added B through D who happens to have been my bench mate in 6th standard. All of this is apart from the display of culinary skills by friends who once complained about their college mess food in India and are now making delicious looking, complicatedly spelled desserts in the US. And don't even get me started on the status updates; they range from excited friends going away on vacations to how hot Chennai is (Come on guys, its not like you have been in Alaska all your life and also it doesn't count when you update from an air conditioned room). And there's my cue to switch tabs to Twitter only to find my timeline spammed by Shreya Ghoshal's lack of sleep, Shah Rukh Khan's muscle aches, Abhishek Bachchan's music library shuffling, Sachin Tendulkar's charity work, Paulo Coelho's thathuvams (quotes) and FunnyOneLiner's oh-I've-heard-that-before liners amidst some more of Chennai is so hot ya ! And then of course there's my most loyal timepass - Gmail. I should probably write an entire post dedicated to Gmail; but I'll save that for another day.

What would I do without Gmail in my daily life? It all begins with my mom starting a voice chat to probe about lunch, dinner and then next day's lunch menu with some intermittent touting of how she would not like an American son-in-law and also that buttermilk is better for me than beer. As I appropriately place my "Hmm.. ok maa" I multi-task by providing some intense relationship advice to a friend, reply to unanswered emails and plan my week ahead. No wonder my mom has now started complaining about why is "hmm ok maa" the only thing I've been saying so far.

Oh and just for your information, this post was typed as I did all of the above things and now that my stomach has made its presence felt by grumbling loud enough for everyone to hear, I should hunt down that packet of Maggi and instant soup before beginning to watch random videos on Youtube until its time for dinner ! What - a - life ! :D

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I have reasons to smile, yet I feel unhappy about the imperfections. I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist or a workaholic, but there are a few things that I just cannot tolerate. And it bothers me so much that I impulsively make a few immediate and unwanted alterations only to regret it sooner than later. I constantly try to remind myself that it is never simple to choose between the right thing and the easy thing.
Despite being slightly neurotic about a few things, I fervently start making changes and lose motivation when I don't see results. I should remember not to lose hope and be persistent, yet I hate it when the thought of giving up enters my mind and disturbs everything.
I really did not want this to be my post after so long. I have so many reasons to celebrate and be proud of, but it baffles me as to why I chose this. I can never write something until I truly feel it. I can't write what people want to read, my dwindling readership is the last thing I would want to worry about. I've always tried to get rid of the negativity within by blogging and this baby of mine has borne the brunt for almost 5 years now. Change has to come from within and its about time I push things to the next level.

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I miss mommy!
I miss driving my bike!
I don't want to cook my food and do the dishes.
I want to eat all the sugary stuff and not worry about becoming fat.
I positively don't want to be doing my laundry, especially not once in 2 weeks.
I want to play literature with Mad and call her Nehru.
I want to eat Bhel Puri and cone ice at Anand Bakery.
I want to hang out at Dappy's with the foosas and pull her cat's tail till it snarls at me.
I want sleepless weekends at ATn watching old Kamal movies.
I want junk jewelry from Pondy Bazaar platform shops.
I want samosa channa at Hot Chips after that.
I want the Holi of 2002.
I miss my lazy evening strolls.
But I do like what I have halfway across the world now.

I thought I'd get here earlier than in 5 years. But, what the heck - this is my 200th post and I don't have anything better to write than what I am currently dreaming / craving/ missing.

PS: The title because as I wrote down this post, I could almost listen to a completely off-key version of the song from Slumdog in my head.

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an uninteresting conversationalist.
disinterested to yap endlessly.
sick of snowy, slippery days.
tired of dressing up in multiple layers.
addicted to TLC.
less of an optimist.
a staunch believer of reverse psychology.
picky with my food.
thrifty about my budgets.
interested again to play scrabble.
restless to complete this semester.
impatient about the future.
a lousy reader.
and an even more boring writer.

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Wasn't it last week that the break began ? Didn't I just build my first snowman yesterday ? Wasn't it only a couple of hours ago that D & I were gushing over silly things during our chilly walks in C-City ?

Isn't it always that when you reflect back over time, it seems to have flown so fast, but when you anticipate something, it doesn't seem to bust its backside anywhere ? I can't think of any smartass quote that would quench my qualms. Time is shrewd and it knows how to play its game well. Period.

Its 10 days into 2010 and as always I have no resolutions for this year. I would really like to do a few things, but I wouldn't want to put a deadline against them. I haven't reached that state of desperation yet. As decided earlier, I did not get to read much. I did listen to music that I really wanted to hear before. Jazz is good for the agitated mind ! Daringly went ahead with snipping off a few extra inches of hair, which ultimately led amma to gasp on video. Definitely caught up on a lot of sleep, not that I missed much of it! Watched a lot of movies. I didn't know that American cinema halls don't break for intervals or assign seats either! My first in 3D movie too - good experience.
I'm trying to cram as many activities I can in this last week before I get back to the grind. I still yearn for that feeling of excitement as you flip through the pages of a book and sit through the early hours to finish it. (*reminds self that this would happen if I accommodate a little less sleep-time*). I hope to plan and work in a more focused manner. I am going to try not to cuss every time I put on multiple layers of clothes or swear loudly when I step out from the warmth into the *grrr.. below-freezing-point-temperatures. How many months more!??!

Maybe these are called resolutions, but I don't want to jinx anything by affixing names to it. I'm going to stop before I conclude or change my mind.
Until later... if anyone still reads me!

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After 5 months, today, the change has finally struck me in the face. The independence has made its presence felt. The responsibility is trying to dominate over the carelessness. The inner child has gone into hibernation, waiting to be woken up at opportune moments and a strange woman who I'm not very familiar with is steering my life. Maturity, as some would call it is a very strange thing.

I've become a victim of mundane chores and common drudgery. So many things have changed. From, sleeping on time so that I am attentive at work the next morning. Packing lunch for the next day and remembering to take it in the rush in the morning. Fighting the urge not to snack on junk in vain. Waiting desperately for Fridays and all the fun things you could do during the weekend. Putting on that pathetic TGIF status message. Sleeping, cooking for the remaining week, catching up with family and friends over phone, mumbling how the weekend flew by and you couldn't remotely do anything because, the thought of a dreadful Monday morning is all that your head held.

I'm definitely sane enough to realize that work is just work and not such a big deal; but then why does it seem like such a big deal and hinder all other activities? I only moan endlessly about how I have no time to go out and if I do, blame it on the below-freezing temperatures to spoil my temperament. I worry when I think that I've lost the ability to write. I no longer have the patience to read a book at a stretch. My fuse is shorter and the most trivial of things seem to set me off.

It is true, I do miss the spontaneity of doing things at random, the enthusiasm and the undying hope that once existed. I'm left to chase more practical dreams and forced to hold back all the frivolous ones for practicality must be executed when you are living by yourself and managing your money. I do dare to dream, but do not carry them out for the fear of being ridiculed. I do not put up an exterior with an infectious spirit because I do not want to be branded childlike.
What has life gotten me into ? Is this what I wanted ? Its upsetting how, what I came chasing as my dream has changed my entire perception of living. It still is hard to conclude whether this is for the better or not; it is just too short-lived to decide at the moment.

But it is true that I do miss life that was with all of its randomness and spontaneity. Maybe this is what they call maturity ?
I welcome myself to the big, bad, real world ! It does suck, but I think I will survive.

**Phew.. feels so good to write a long post after ages!

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As the irritation and anxiety creep higher and the summer heat shows no sign of going any lower. . I decided to follow as suggested by a mortal with a higher sense of weirdness, eat more mangoes !
So I make sure that I eat atleast 2 mangoes everyday. Its become like a ritual now, for every meal seems incomplete without one. I believe in eating them whole; not sliced, diced or peeled. I love to bite off the skin with the teeth and what pleasure it brings when the juices drip down the forearms down to the elbows leaving a orangish yellow trail. Digging your teeth into the fleshy pulp and smearing the face like a child. The cheeks, chin and the skin above the lip all sticky and mangoey !
So all of you who are tense or troubled or anxious - Go eat mangoes like there would be none tomorrow! Bring it on, sunshine !

Clearly, I've gone nuts! :|

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What a gruelling month that was - May!

The sun beating down mercilessly, elevated electricity bills, a trip to bangalore, a friend's wedding, a million hits on this blog, catching up with a few friends after ages, uncertainity prevailing, mentally exhausting moments, Mavudu and Mangoes, physically tiring walks, a glimmer of hope, the same hope being shattered to nothing, Uno, late night bitching sessions, books waiting to be finished, An Equal Music, Johny howling his guts out and not letting us sleep, the unwillingness to throw away redundant items, seeing a loved one in pain, a totally addictive lingo, sitting and counting at the furnace like copy cat, advanced level of yoga, the desperate need for change, iPod begging to be charged and updated with a new playlist, delaying the cleaning of book shelves, the confusions, the longing, the dreams, the goals

- hoping June is more joyous, decisive and positively progressive.

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