I am a strong and motivated young woman. I am confident, enthusiastic and I believe in my abilities. I'm thankful for every experience that life has brought in my path. I shall recite this in my head everyday.

I must not lose confidence or the belief in myself. What seems like a daunting task now will be something that I will laugh over with friends a few years down the line. Life is really not worth all the worries, but the opportunities are worth fretting over. It is not fair to get bogged down or give up after a few failures. Failures come along to make you count your blessings. I will not give up. I shall keep trying and picking myself up.

I am a strong-minded, motivated young woman. I must always remember.

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The 30 day challenge is going okay so far. I could definitely do better, but it's some kind of a beginning at least. I'm very glad that the reading habit has finally kicked in. I haven't begun experimenting with titles for the fear of losing interest and therefore giving up the reacquired habit altogether. So I'm currently re-reading some of my favorite classics. The reading time is definitely much lesser and more interrupted than what it used to be back home. I remember finishing HP-7 in a couple of hours on the day it came out. And now, time is constantly interrupted by things that demand attention so fiercely that it has become almost impossible to get some quiet alone time. Good lord, I sound like a mother of a newborn!

The one tsp sugar in coffee is turning out to be my biggest challenge so far. I've now resorted to equal portions of milk and coffee in my mug and this seems easier to handle with a tsp of sugar. But the going gets tough on days when I wind up having close to three cups of coffee/tea. Recycling and listening to at least one carnatic song a day is coming along fantastic. I guess the carnatic song phase will wean out soon because I ended up listening to variations of the same song for an entire week and now I might snap if I hear it again. Too much of anything is never good.

Other than that, life's been pretty much monotonous. Things go in to top gear soon, and I'm not too thrilled about it yet. The year's crossed its half way mark and looking back in retrospect, the going's been good so far. There's a lot more of things to cross off the to-do list by the end of year. Hoping for the best until then. 

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Yes, it's that time of the semester when you must say sympathetic things like "This too shall pass" and motivate me to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Oh and what a dark and long tunnel this has been. No, this doesn't mean I've spotted the light yet. Unless one of you decides to hold a torch or something and guide me out. I'm still groping around in the dark. Spring is absolutely gorgeous. The birds, pink flowers, frequent thunderstorms, the first hint of green. I love it so much that I can't stop tearing up every time I step out. #allergies What would I do without my big bumblebee shades and a big roll of Kleenex that I carry everywhere!

Anyhow, this has clearly been my most challenging and demanding semester ever. Every time I breathe a sigh of relief, something else comes up to take its place. Every weekend is spent bringing things up to speed and I'd rather not talk much about my weekdays. I'm a proactive person and all these constantly changing schedules and deadlines are pushing me to my wits end. My planner has seen so many changes that it actually gave up on me. It is true, grad life really teaches you to handle pressure like nothing else in life. Only maybe next to parenthood - but it's too early to comment on that.

Excessive amounts of caffeine have been consumed over the last few weeks. My blood should be brown by now, I think. I also need to lose this habit of eating ice cream with cookies post 2AM. Oh and caramel pop corn - MUST STOP BUYING THEM AGAIN! Did you know "Naked" makes all these yummy gooey protein shakes with the weirdest of ingredients. They're so expensive, but they are fattening me up with some good stuff. Who said you eat less during summer? I seem to be hungry all the time. Oh wait, summer isn't here until end of June. Weird country, I tell you. 

Wait a minute, I didn't intend to talk about food ! Well, too late! I've clearly lost it or someone has spiked my morning coffee.

Yeah, you may pour sympathies now. OkThanksBye!

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There are positive vibes from all around and things assure of working in your favor. Its the happiness of being well fed, rested and having nothing to worry about. Its the joy of waking up before your irritating alarm goes off and realizing you have a good hour of sleep time left. The life devoid of any responsibilities or pressures. No mad rush to meet deadlines or to maintain performance. You live each day like it were the last of your life. Your head is fuzzy with so much lasting happiness that even opioids would miserably fail to give. You see the world through pink tinted glasses. The sky seems bluer and the air has a zesty touch. The grass smells fresher and looks so much greener. The rainbow is outside your window every morning. You wake up with a smile every morning and you know it in your gut that it is going to be a great day.

And then, you sigh and hope that would happen to you in reality and get back to your chores after putting it on your blog ! :D

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Wasn't it last week that the break began ? Didn't I just build my first snowman yesterday ? Wasn't it only a couple of hours ago that D & I were gushing over silly things during our chilly walks in C-City ?

Isn't it always that when you reflect back over time, it seems to have flown so fast, but when you anticipate something, it doesn't seem to bust its backside anywhere ? I can't think of any smartass quote that would quench my qualms. Time is shrewd and it knows how to play its game well. Period.

Its 10 days into 2010 and as always I have no resolutions for this year. I would really like to do a few things, but I wouldn't want to put a deadline against them. I haven't reached that state of desperation yet. As decided earlier, I did not get to read much. I did listen to music that I really wanted to hear before. Jazz is good for the agitated mind ! Daringly went ahead with snipping off a few extra inches of hair, which ultimately led amma to gasp on video. Definitely caught up on a lot of sleep, not that I missed much of it! Watched a lot of movies. I didn't know that American cinema halls don't break for intervals or assign seats either! My first in 3D movie too - good experience.
I'm trying to cram as many activities I can in this last week before I get back to the grind. I still yearn for that feeling of excitement as you flip through the pages of a book and sit through the early hours to finish it. (*reminds self that this would happen if I accommodate a little less sleep-time*). I hope to plan and work in a more focused manner. I am going to try not to cuss every time I put on multiple layers of clothes or swear loudly when I step out from the warmth into the *grrr.. below-freezing-point-temperatures. How many months more!??!

Maybe these are called resolutions, but I don't want to jinx anything by affixing names to it. I'm going to stop before I conclude or change my mind.
Until later... if anyone still reads me!

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After 5 months, today, the change has finally struck me in the face. The independence has made its presence felt. The responsibility is trying to dominate over the carelessness. The inner child has gone into hibernation, waiting to be woken up at opportune moments and a strange woman who I'm not very familiar with is steering my life. Maturity, as some would call it is a very strange thing.

I've become a victim of mundane chores and common drudgery. So many things have changed. From, sleeping on time so that I am attentive at work the next morning. Packing lunch for the next day and remembering to take it in the rush in the morning. Fighting the urge not to snack on junk in vain. Waiting desperately for Fridays and all the fun things you could do during the weekend. Putting on that pathetic TGIF status message. Sleeping, cooking for the remaining week, catching up with family and friends over phone, mumbling how the weekend flew by and you couldn't remotely do anything because, the thought of a dreadful Monday morning is all that your head held.

I'm definitely sane enough to realize that work is just work and not such a big deal; but then why does it seem like such a big deal and hinder all other activities? I only moan endlessly about how I have no time to go out and if I do, blame it on the below-freezing temperatures to spoil my temperament. I worry when I think that I've lost the ability to write. I no longer have the patience to read a book at a stretch. My fuse is shorter and the most trivial of things seem to set me off.

It is true, I do miss the spontaneity of doing things at random, the enthusiasm and the undying hope that once existed. I'm left to chase more practical dreams and forced to hold back all the frivolous ones for practicality must be executed when you are living by yourself and managing your money. I do dare to dream, but do not carry them out for the fear of being ridiculed. I do not put up an exterior with an infectious spirit because I do not want to be branded childlike.
What has life gotten me into ? Is this what I wanted ? Its upsetting how, what I came chasing as my dream has changed my entire perception of living. It still is hard to conclude whether this is for the better or not; it is just too short-lived to decide at the moment.

But it is true that I do miss life that was with all of its randomness and spontaneity. Maybe this is what they call maturity ?
I welcome myself to the big, bad, real world ! It does suck, but I think I will survive.

**Phew.. feels so good to write a long post after ages!

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What a gruelling month that was - May!

The sun beating down mercilessly, elevated electricity bills, a trip to bangalore, a friend's wedding, a million hits on this blog, catching up with a few friends after ages, uncertainity prevailing, mentally exhausting moments, Mavudu and Mangoes, physically tiring walks, a glimmer of hope, the same hope being shattered to nothing, Uno, late night bitching sessions, books waiting to be finished, An Equal Music, Johny howling his guts out and not letting us sleep, the unwillingness to throw away redundant items, seeing a loved one in pain, a totally addictive lingo, sitting and counting at the furnace like copy cat, advanced level of yoga, the desperate need for change, iPod begging to be charged and updated with a new playlist, delaying the cleaning of book shelves, the confusions, the longing, the dreams, the goals

- hoping June is more joyous, decisive and positively progressive.

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Sometimes I feel like I live in a fantasy world of my own. I pretend to be a princess living in an astronomically huge castle with winding stone staircases and windows as big as movie screens. I have birds and little animals for friends. Twitter twitter they say.
I have no other work than to doll myself up in flowing lace gowns and plait my long hair with satin ribbons. My chores would be to weave silk, sing dulcet melodies with the birds and nibble nuts. The biggest confusions in my life would be to choose between chestnut, maple and oak. I would occasionally be haunted by nightmares that consist of the nefarious witch who tries to kill me with a poisoned pear. The handsome prince fills up my dreams and rescues me on his white stallion that gallops faster than lightning. No, he does not wear a suit of armor, he likes to show off!
We would eat grapes from the vineyards, walk around pine trees at twilight and sigh lovingly at the moon. Time would be our slave and happiness would pave the path to destiny.


How I wish !

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I was watching The Shawshank Redemption again yesterday! And hence my favorite line from the movie has inspired an entire post. I've written enough about the importance of hope in my life. I thrive on it every single day till god knows when! I wish my blog lives to be written about that day sometime further down the lane.
There are a dozen things I want to do right now. But its not always that you're wishes are fulfilled instantly. There are compromises, adjustments, postponing, reluctance and so much more standing in your way. It won't take long to topple them down and go ahead with what I want to do, but waiting for the opportune moment has become an integral part of my life. When you do it for so long, it becomes a part of you, and when things go right, you tend to doubt their existence.
And that's when you hope - you hope things remain the same forever, you hope time moves faster at times, and you hope against all the hope hopen !!
Right now, I just wish people would agree to my whims and let me proceed with my rebellious and opposing ideas! Period.

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It all seems cryptic at the first glance. You step back and look at the whole thing taking in more than what you must. It gets a little overwhelming, but you get used to it after a while. You try to change, but it is the inevitable. You can't. The power is killing you. You are helpless. You submit. You sympathize with the self. Pity, compassion, sympathy seem mere words that noone can relate to. The world now seems a much cruel place and its inhabitants all monsters. The ones who meant most are to be feared. You have no choices. You must not complain. Blame, insignificance and immaturity are synonymous to you. The once cute to be clumsy reaches its apex of irritation. What was once new is the mundane now. But you must not regress, this is what you are to be. This is what you wanted. Your wishes are now true. The regret is simply the twinge of the conscience. You learn to ignore it. Suddenly, you see that's what you are to do. You find your way out. The reverie ends right here and you wish all that you felt never comes true. Your deepest inhibitions to never surface and remain sunk in the deep ocean of emotion !

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Is making decisions always this complicated ?
What would you choose if you had to pick one out of the many - Something that you love or something that comes easily ? As cryptic as it might sound, or as it was intended to be; picking one out of the many options is definitely not my forte. Given to my choice, I'd take a bit of everything. :D
But at some point, my whims take over and those decisions are some of the most worst I have ever made. I most certainly do not regret, for I have learnt the best out of them. However contradicting that might sound, I will always stand by my decisions and speak for them.
Of lately, I've become a strong believer in the quote that says -
"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."
Nothing of the sort has happened, but if it does, you'll find a happier woman in the world, if not, there will be a post following that would claim the above as rubbish !

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