There are times in our lives when we wish we could be alone in a swarm of people. And then there are times when you wish there would be somebody to talk to. Any person, who could just sit next to you, physically or even virtually through a chat box. Today is one of those days when I have none. It is times like these when I wish I had a dog or even a cat. You know, just to have some kind of living being around me. Virtual lives are a great escape from your real life when you need it, but some times even they don't quite cut it. Books are a great escape. But when you have to nothing to return to, they don't exactly qualify as an exciting retreat. I'm probably making myself miserable thinking about the possibilities and feeling sorry for myself.

Of course, tomorrow is a whole new day. I might have a hangover of these feelings, or I might laugh at my own absurdity. This is exactly when I need Amma to tell me how ridiculous I'm being and throw me headfirst into reality.

But, tomorrow will be different day. I just know it.

|

I've been feeling extremely restless and confused for the past couple of days. I don't know what's gotten into me but I seem to be unable to make any decisions for myself. For the uninitiated, I am an extremely organized person and absolutely cannot work until I have my plan sorted out. Sometimes that does include where I would be 5 days from now and what I would be doing. No matter how impulsive I may be, my other side is a fully-functional time-table. Sometimes I anticipate things so much in advance that any small change in schedule puts me off track. And of course there are the deadlines. I've been wanting to finish this one report for almost a week and a half now and I'm nowhere close to even beginning it. Procrastination is my middle name! :P
And then there's my obsession for change. I get bored really easily and need changes at short intervals. Sometimes I wish for something, and when I'm close to getting it, I start dreading it.
I really should loosen up a little but then I get so conscious about the amount of time I waste and all the work that has piled up. I'm throwing quite a fit now. I feel completely out of order and need to pull my life back on track. I'm supposed to be on holiday this week, but it feels nothing like it. I'm getting claustrophobic with the place I'm in. Deadlines and projects are bothering me. I want to be in a place where I can't be long, because reality throws me out. I want a life full of passion and no pressures. And knowing that my chosen path is nothing like it, I find it hard to accept, sometimes even tempted to switch. I dread the unpredictability as much as I love the change.
Dear lord, get me out of this ! Grant me some sanity !

|

After 5 months, today, the change has finally struck me in the face. The independence has made its presence felt. The responsibility is trying to dominate over the carelessness. The inner child has gone into hibernation, waiting to be woken up at opportune moments and a strange woman who I'm not very familiar with is steering my life. Maturity, as some would call it is a very strange thing.

I've become a victim of mundane chores and common drudgery. So many things have changed. From, sleeping on time so that I am attentive at work the next morning. Packing lunch for the next day and remembering to take it in the rush in the morning. Fighting the urge not to snack on junk in vain. Waiting desperately for Fridays and all the fun things you could do during the weekend. Putting on that pathetic TGIF status message. Sleeping, cooking for the remaining week, catching up with family and friends over phone, mumbling how the weekend flew by and you couldn't remotely do anything because, the thought of a dreadful Monday morning is all that your head held.

I'm definitely sane enough to realize that work is just work and not such a big deal; but then why does it seem like such a big deal and hinder all other activities? I only moan endlessly about how I have no time to go out and if I do, blame it on the below-freezing temperatures to spoil my temperament. I worry when I think that I've lost the ability to write. I no longer have the patience to read a book at a stretch. My fuse is shorter and the most trivial of things seem to set me off.

It is true, I do miss the spontaneity of doing things at random, the enthusiasm and the undying hope that once existed. I'm left to chase more practical dreams and forced to hold back all the frivolous ones for practicality must be executed when you are living by yourself and managing your money. I do dare to dream, but do not carry them out for the fear of being ridiculed. I do not put up an exterior with an infectious spirit because I do not want to be branded childlike.
What has life gotten me into ? Is this what I wanted ? Its upsetting how, what I came chasing as my dream has changed my entire perception of living. It still is hard to conclude whether this is for the better or not; it is just too short-lived to decide at the moment.

But it is true that I do miss life that was with all of its randomness and spontaneity. Maybe this is what they call maturity ?
I welcome myself to the big, bad, real world ! It does suck, but I think I will survive.

**Phew.. feels so good to write a long post after ages!

|

As the irritation and anxiety creep higher and the summer heat shows no sign of going any lower. . I decided to follow as suggested by a mortal with a higher sense of weirdness, eat more mangoes !
So I make sure that I eat atleast 2 mangoes everyday. Its become like a ritual now, for every meal seems incomplete without one. I believe in eating them whole; not sliced, diced or peeled. I love to bite off the skin with the teeth and what pleasure it brings when the juices drip down the forearms down to the elbows leaving a orangish yellow trail. Digging your teeth into the fleshy pulp and smearing the face like a child. The cheeks, chin and the skin above the lip all sticky and mangoey !
So all of you who are tense or troubled or anxious - Go eat mangoes like there would be none tomorrow! Bring it on, sunshine !

Clearly, I've gone nuts! :|

|

She read the note over and over again till she could recite it verbatim. It seemed to evoke mixed feelings from within her and she didn't know what to make of it. There was a sense of hope, yet along with it came a lot of uncertainty and anxiety. Should she be happy for the hope or distressed for what could happen otherwise? Maybe she should stop thinking about both and wait for time to bring answers as it does always. Why couldn't solutions come easier, Why isn't there some make-believe Utopian land where she could escape to from her marsh of thoughts? She wished, hoped, sighed all in vain.
Again, she read the note hoping to discover some underlying meaning to a few simple words. Words, they fail you when you need them the most and come tumbling through at all the wrong times. Weird things they are, words. They sting, soothe, encourage, praise, condole and make you feel all those things when strung together, that you can only experience and never express.

|

I have never been good at outdoor sports. My foray into sports started and ended with swimming (which I am thankfully good at!) and badminton! I still recall the days when I used to watch(I'm just too ashamed to call it fielding) all my cousins play cricket or volleyball in the lanes near our house. I was always asked to "stand the farthest and run after the ball if it ever came in my direction. But most of the times, it wouldn't. And whenever I was asked to throw a ball, it would never take a parabolic path and always end up in all the possible wrong directions like a wimp! Oh forget that, to catch a ball, it just takes too much of an effort for me to see the ball when thrown and coordinate the locomotion accordingly. In the name of catching, I would end up clapping my hands together and closing my eyes hoping the thing would miraculously land in my hands somehow. Some of the times, I would even end up sprawling on all fours with my vain attempts. That was when my family(who apparently are good at some sport or the other) decided that I was never going to even be mediocre on the track or manage to catch something that was thrown to me. Trust me, they would party if I ever caught something. I think its mainly because I have an innate talent of being clumsy. I can't walk from one place to another without bumping my foot against something, or upsetting stuff that was placed on the way. My mother would still yell "Careful" when I stood anywhere remotely close to her favorite vase! And whenever my aunts asked me to carry stuff, my mum used to watch me like a hawk, waiting to clean up after I'd tumbled or spilled. Regrets apart, I've had my share of running around and covering myself with mud and scraping my knees and palms during games and a sound share of blasphemy from mom and a good dosage of tetanus for the same.
Anyways, I'm a definitely a little less clumsy now and put all my efforts into behaving ladylike.
Hey, where's the appreciation? :P

|

It really annoys me sometimes when people try to impose their views upon my head in the most lubricous of ways. Everyone in this world is entitled to an opinion, I believe. It might not be the best or something that others don't agree with, but its still my opinion and I will stand by it.
But of course, there are times when I can't quite convince my thoughts across to the other person, and it irritates me all the more when they don't even make the slightest of efforts to understand me. However ridiculous it may sound, I think people should respect each other for what they are. Why can't anyone just listen to me without being remotely judgmental about anything especially when I'm only trying to take things out? In the name of doing so, why do we get disappointed when things don't go the way expected or when people don't react favorably to our arguments ?
You live life the way you want it, but there are people who expect you to do something else. And when expectations rise, so do disappointments or happiness whichever chooses to stand by you.
You can't hate these people also, for sometimes these are the ones most dear to you. All this and more just makes me tug at my hair and run away to some place where I don't know anyone. The saner part of me just started screaming that none of this is worth it. The worst is yet to come, or is it over ?

|

I am amazed at myself! Really, not self-love. At least not this time ! I am completely amused at my own ability to say something and then contradict it with my actions. When I think about both my actions and my statements, I am confused about my policies. I don't really know where my inclinations lie. Am I just following a trend ? Do I really want to be a rebel ? Am I simply pacifying things in order to avoid ripples in placid waters and in the process losing out on what I want to be my individual stamp?
Should I call it dissatisfaction ? No, not really, because I like things the way they are. But I don't want to be someone who hates change. Heck no, I love change, I'll get bored otherwise. I also don't want to lose out on things that make me happy by making people think that boredom is the root cause of my fallacies. When I actually think that is true.

Maybe I just lack skills to evade a situation and flip things in my favor. Then why don't I like people getting disappointed when I behave otherwise? People never like disagreements. Its easier to just accept the popular or the dominating view rather than be the only voice fighting for a cause that is just yours.
Again there is the big question if your voice is right or wrong. But who is to judge that ?
Guess, the easiest way out is to keep the trap shut, but I have the need to take it out! Guess I just did ! Or is it too late and the damage is done ?

|

Is making decisions always this complicated ?
What would you choose if you had to pick one out of the many - Something that you love or something that comes easily ? As cryptic as it might sound, or as it was intended to be; picking one out of the many options is definitely not my forte. Given to my choice, I'd take a bit of everything. :D
But at some point, my whims take over and those decisions are some of the most worst I have ever made. I most certainly do not regret, for I have learnt the best out of them. However contradicting that might sound, I will always stand by my decisions and speak for them.
Of lately, I've become a strong believer in the quote that says -
"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."
Nothing of the sort has happened, but if it does, you'll find a happier woman in the world, if not, there will be a post following that would claim the above as rubbish !

|